2016 _COMM _Selena x Saihyou for Black-Wren + LIFE

<sub>I've repeated this many, many times before in the majority of my deviations, but I am forever grateful to be commissioned by such kind, patient people, and really thank them for their patience despite my weeks, months or years of my anxiety and depression that may test their patience far more than once. Since I haven't been able to draw regularly at all, how I keep track of daily events and time itself has all but eroded in my mind. My drawings/art updates were how I kept track of events, and not being able to draw as much as I'd like due to depression crippling me, losing track of time, it being exacerbated by various technological issues (tablet malfunctioning, hard drives locking, phone not updating message notifications, having no time because I have to study--all these dumb excuses that I've allowed to debilitate my obligations to the patient people that trusted me to draw for them--that's not okay. I know it's not okay because there were more than 2 instances this year where I lost the emotional stability to deal with angry commissioners. I successfully completed over 100 small commissions since 2014, but my first bad client still leaves a stain on my record in spite of all the happy comments I keep to motivate myself. The first commissioner who called me out didn't update her commission status, and withheld proof of her commission delivery in addition to an apology gift--the emotional turmoil from that is still fresh. I remember being a teen overwhelmed by work and only updating my gallery to de-stress until my only childhood friend committed suicide. It took almost 2 months for me to feel stable enough to work on redrawing her commission. Then just 2 years later, a commissioner on another website told me to "take as much time as I needed," but I was really overworked by 3 science/research courses w/lab components and I missed my own 4-day deadline... I honestly didn't see his message notifications in my inbox until I looked in the junk folder 3 weeks after they had been sent, but by then, he had already lied about me stealing money from him and an imaginary female friend, an amount I had never received as a payment, from whom he wouldn't name when I asked him a few times. Instead, he resorted to saying things I cannot replicate here, in private messages. The only thing I can say is that they were exceedingly cruel, crass and insensitive to someone who apologized and admitted to having suicidal depression from a person who "previously suffered from depression." I also sent him a painted apology giftart headshot that he glossed over, but I not bring myself to complete the 10 (only 2) under-priced sketches I was commissioned for because his slander was so hurtful on top of his influence as founder/creator that the only work I completed for another project on site was completely removed/replaced and no one there ever wanted to work with me again. I joined to bring people's ideas to life, and instead, one mistake made it physically and mentally-impossible for me to properly continue there. It could've been better. But I made mistakes. 

Though the bad commissioners are few in number, probably just 3-4 in the almost 7 years I've done commissions online, the words they used still leave scars. I screenshot them as they occurred, but I don't need to reread them to remember the states I was in when I first read them. I told a few of my commissioners this year that it was difficult to proceed on their pieces as fast as I had initially wanted. I hate keeping people waiting for so long and I am usually at a loss for words when all I have to present are sticks when I'm stuck. The stick stage can last for weeks or months because sometimes I unexpectedly have moments of self-loathing and can't continue in a timely manner. I regret all the mistakes I've made since taking commissions because it's been a hard 6 years. I initially wanted to share my work with others because I wanted to improve my art to make more people smile. I wanted my drawings to have meaning to at least one other person behind the screen. 

And yet despite my desire to make others happy, my greatest flaw is my non-communication that is mostly fueled by social anxiety and depression. I'm regretful that recently, it has made a lot of kind commissioners impatient and angry. I am regretful that even though I'm consistent in acting on the belief that I "have never had any desire to run off with anyeone's hard-earned money" and have often added extra work/gifts as a means of trying to "salvage their smile" or worse, "appease" them, that some people can change their minds and their tones. I am regretful that I've caused many to feel such negative emotions because of my flaws. And knowing this, while being unable to act as promptly as I would like, is both emotionally-and-physically-devastating. I don't want it to reach a level where I can no longer return to the person I used to be, but with every passing day I am not finished with an obligation, amidst the rising emotions on the other side, it becomes all the more difficult.</sub> 

I wish I had an infinite amount of time towards my recovery so that I could focus on making more people happy

Please know, despite even me not even fully trusting myself as I try to recover from my unintended spiral of depression, that I am actually trying even though the reality that I want to put behind me is the gnawing voice saying "every day is a struggle just to live." Because it feels like it is. And it shouldn't. 

The sad reality is that depression is the leading cause of disability. But it can be prevented and/or controlled. 

I've learned from the few online and RL friends I've been fortunate enough to make that there is HOPE. Please don't give up on it. You'll be okay. There's an entire future you have yet to witness. As you await and grasp onto those bright opportunities, there's always a little bit you can do to improve yourself and other people's lives every day. You have a gift--share it.